“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
“One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.”
“Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.”
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.”
“Just because some of us can read and write and do a little math, that doesn't mean we deserve to conquer the Universe.”
“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.”
“All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber.”
“I am eternally grateful.. for my knack of finding in great books, some of them very funny books, reason enough to feel honored to be alive, no matter what else might be going on.”
“I was taught that the human brain was the crowning glory of evolution so far, but I think it’s a very poor scheme for survival.”
“Here's what I think the truth is: We are all addicts of fossil fuels in a state of denial, about to face cold turkey. And like so many addicts about to face cold turkey, our leaders are now committing violent crimes to get what little is left of what we’re hooked on.”
“We're terrible animals. I think that the Earth's immune system is trying to get rid of us, as well it should.”
"Things don't stay the way they are... It's too entertaining to try to change them."
“There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope that they are organized along the lines of the Mafia.”
“The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart.”
“When you get right down to it, everybody's having a perfectly lousy time of it, and I mean everybody. And the hell of it is, nothing seems to help much.”
“Make love when you can. It's good for you.”“I have this theory about why men kill each other and break things. ... Never mind. It's a dumb theory. I was going to say it was all sexual ... but everything is sexual ... but alcohol.”
“Beer, of course, is actually a depressant. But poor people will never stop hoping otherwise.”
“Old Norwegian Proverb: Swedes have short dicks but long memories.”
“I am of course notoriously hooked on cigarettes. I keep hoping the things will kill me. A fire at one end and a fool at the other.”
“About astrology and palmistry: They are good because they make people feel vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm.”
“What is flirtatiousness but an argument that life must go on and on and on?”
“This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.”
“What does “A.D.” signify? That commemorates an inmate of this lunatic asylum we call Earth who was nailed to a wooden cross by a bunch of other inmates. With him still conscious, they hammered spikes through his wrists and insteps, and into the wood. Then they set the cross upright, so he dangled up there where even the shortest person in the crowd could see him writhing this way and that. Can you imagine people doing such a thing to a person?”
“The most important message of a crucifix, to me anyway, was how unspeakably cruel supposedly sane human beings can be when under orders from a superior authority.”
“If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don't need an enemy.”
“How embarrassing to be human.”
“Do you realize that all great literature--Moby Dick, Huckleberry Finn, A Farewell to Arms, The Scarlet Letter, The Red Badge of Courage, The Iliad and The Odyssey, Crime and Punishment, The Bible, and ‘The Charge of the Light Brigade’--are all about what a bummer it is to be a human being?”
“Freud said he didn’t know what women wanted. I know what women want. They want a whole lot of people to talk to.”
“What do men want? They want a lot of pals, and they wish that people wouldn’t get so mad at them.”
“Doesn't anything socialistic make you want to throw up? Like great public schools, or health insurance for all?”
“I sometimes wondered what the use of any of the arts was. The best thing I could come up with was what I call the canary in the coal mine theory of the arts. This theory says that artists are useful to society because they are so sensitive. “
“Is it possible that seemingly incredible geniuses like Bach and Shakespeare and Einstein were not in fact superhuman, but simply plagiarists, copying great stuff from the future?”
“[Vietnam] only made billionaires out of millionaires. [Iraq] is making trillionaires out of billionaires. Now I call that progress.”
“If you actually are an educated, thinking person, you will not be welcome in Washington DC.”
“While we were being bombed in Dresden, sitting in a cellar with our arms over our heads in case the ceiling fell, one slider said as though he were a duchess in a mansion on a cold and rainy night, 'I wonder what the poor people are doing tonight.' Nobody laughed, but we were still all glad he said it.”
"That was the strength of the Nazis... They understood God better than anyone. They knew how to make him stay away."
“Our president is a Christian? So was Adolf Hitler.”
“We cannot get rid of mankind's fleetingly evil wishes. We can get rid of the machines that make them come true. I give you a holy word: DISARM.”
“History is merely a list of surprises. ... It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again. Please write that down.”
“I used to think that science would save us, and science certainly tried. But we can't stand any more tremendous explosions, either for or against democracy.”
“I still believe that peace and plenty and happiness can be worked out some way. I am a fool.”
“The only difference between Bush and Hitler is that Hitler was elected.”
“If I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in heaven now.' That's my favorite joke.”
“I don't care if I'm remembered or not when I'm dead.”
“You know, the truth can be really powerful stuff. You're not expecting it.”
“Evolution is so creative. That's how we got giraffes.”
“Do you think Arabs are dumb? They gave us our numbers. Try doing long division with Roman numerals.”
"Music is, to me, proof of the existence of God. It is so extraordinarily full of magic, and in tough times of my life I can listen to music and it makes such a difference".
“The two prime movers in the Universe are Time and Luck.”
When the last living thing
Has died on account of us,
How poetical it would be
If Earth could say,
In a voice floating up
Perhaps
From the floor
Of the Grand Canyon,
"It is done.
People did not like it here."
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