Dr. House is in da haus, yo! paging Dr. House to the stage, yo!..

"Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."

"You always trust me. It's a big mistake."

"We're all pathetic. It's what makes everything interesting."

"Things change, it doesn't mean they get better. You gotta make things better, you can't just keep talking and hope for the best."

"Okay, it is a long shot but it's possible I'm an ass. Ironically, we need to do a colonoscopy to confirm."

"I dated her. Well, didn't really date her, more metaphorically raped her by having a penis."

"Another life saved by girl on girl action."

"If you don't think your life's worth more than someone else's, sign your donor card and kill youself."

"Coping skill number one: total avoidance."

"I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy."

"I want to deal with my problems some place where I can get a decent cappuccino."

"Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever."

"What exactly is the difference between pretending to cooperate and actually cooperating?"

"Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me,' though, if you jumble it up."

"You're orange, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention."

"My patient's still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the war is over. Yesterday's sluts are today's empowered women, today's sluts are celebrities -- if that isn't progress."

"Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they're trading brains."

"I know head and heart start with the same three letters, but you've got to read all the way to the end."

"Candy canes? Are you trying to mock me?"

"Booty call? Give me twenty minutes not to shower."

"Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case... no it's still for sissies."

"The only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly, where I peed."

"Try not to be a jerk. I'm trying. I'm just failing."